British Politics: Explained through Game of Thrones

game-of-thrones-1349 (1)If you have been living in a cave for the last two weeks you may have missed that there’s a lot been going on in British politics recently. The impact of Brexit has led to that both the Conservatives and Labour are in civil war, with UKIP possibly about to be, while Scotland prepares for another independence push. All these different political factions are hard to keep up with, so I have decided to explain the political situation in Britain through a TV show which has even more factions which half of them nobody can actually ever remember-Game of Thrones. As they are in power, let’s start with the Tories.

The Conservatives

Let’s start with the people who can’t agree if their favourite punching bags are the poor, young or disabled; the Tories. The Conservatives can be described by the alliance holding the iron throne at the start of Game of Thrones, as an alliance between the Baratheons and the Lannisters. The Baratheon Tories are the likes of Cameron and Osborne, who are good at winning elections or in the case of Robert Baratheon, wars, but are absolutely hopeless at running a government. Although less nasty than the Lannisters who want to stab them in the back every second, like Robert Baratheon, Cameron’s failure of governance has led to his downfall. The Lannister side of the Tory party comes from those who care about money and themselves and that’s about it. This includes Thatcher, but for more contemporary examples, Boris “Joffery” Johnson, Michael “Cersei” Gove and Iain Duncan Smith would fit.

In terms of the current power struggle in the Tory party, Michael Gove, like Cersei Lannister, just cares about his own power, Theresa May is like Stannis Baratheon, someone who believes the seat of power is rightfully theirs and probably would sacrifice family members to make that happen, Stephen Crabb is Remly, as he isn’t quite as bad as some of the others but is bound to lose quickly, Andrea Leadsom is a Jaime Lannister type who is a more vanilla Cersei, while Liam Fox is like Kevan Lannister in that he is horrible but he is also quite rubbish.

Labour

Next up is the party probably in a bigger mess of them all is Labour, and this is because the amount of factions there are. This is because Labour’s voting alliance tends to be between The Northern Working Class (Starks), The Liberal bourgeoisie (Targaryen), the radical left (the Sparrows), the left to centre southern cities (Tully’s) and the majority of ethnic minorities (Dothraki and others across the narrow sea). Those within the parties who can be compared to Targaryen are mixed, as there are the ones which built parts of Westeros (or the United Kingdom) such as Clement Attlee with the NHS and then the Targaryen tag can also be given to New Labour, as they were in charge for an age. Also like that houses downfall, New Labour partly fell from power because their leader went mad (Tony Blair). Like the Targeryens, New Labour also have some up and coming MPs who could become PM in Chuka Umunna and Dan Jarvis, the Daenerys’s of the current Labour party, while Hilary Benn with his petulance and warmongering follows a more Viserys path.

The Starks are the northern Labourites which traditionally the North would support even if the candidate was a donkey with a red ribbon on it. The modern day “Starks” would be the like of Andy Burnham and Angela Eagle. And of course like the Starks, these people are becoming more and more under fire from the Boltons, or as they are also known, UKIP. Very closely linked to the Starks are the Tullys, who are practically the same as the Starks but less Northern, although they have been less vocal since Ed “Catelyn” Miliband and Ed Balls were massacred in the red wedding of the 2015 General Election.

Who is Jeremy Corbyn and co you may ask. Well, Jeremy Corbyn is the High Sparrow, as he like Corbyn is from the capital, comes out of nowhere, becomes more powerful than he should do, has a large following keeping him in power, and he p***** off the establishment so much they all wouldn’t mind if he was run over by a bus the next day. So if this analogy was 100% accurate, the Starks, Targeryens and Tullys have teamed up to try and overthrow the High Sparrow, but like the High Sparrow, Corbyn himself is proving very stubborn and continuing to **** everyone else off.

The Liberal Democrats

The best way to describe the Liberal Democrats would them being the Tyrells, deciding to ally themselves with the most powerful party/family in the country and as a result are absolutely decimated. Now, like the Tyrells, the Liberal Democrats have no heir to Nick “Margaery” Clegg and only chance of any further political power or difference is aligning themselves with the enemies of those in power.

UKIP

Contrary to the popular opinion of those in my circles that UKIP are a racist cult around Nigel Farage, UKIP can be discussed as two separate entireties. Firstly, there are the Farage-type UKIP members, who are most likely to be ex-Tories who were just too intolerant to be part of the face of Westeros/Britain. This would make these lot be the political equivalent of the Freys, who nobody would ever want to be compared to. The Northern more working-class UKIPers like Paul Nuttall for example meanwhile, are basically the Boltons, in that they, like the Starks, are Northern, but unlike the Starks, are awful awful people who are taking advantage of the left behind working class (Umbers and Karstarks) by blaming their plight on immigration while it was actually mainly caused by 35 years of failed economic policy.

Walder

Walder Frey: A man only Nigel Farage can make look good.

Green Party

The Green Party are basically the Martells, as like the Martells they are run by very liberal hipsters and will never really be battling for any meaningful power other than being a minor part of a coalition. However they do have a MP as maverick as Oberyn Martell in Caroline Lucas, although I hope her uniqueness as an MP does not lead to her being crushed in the same way as her Game of Thrones equivalent.

SNP

The Scottish National Party are the party North of the boarder who have been recently managed to collect the majority of Scotlands support. The way to explain the SNP is to be Mance Rayder’s army of Wildlings. This would make Alex Salmond the political equivalent of Mance Rayder, the man who unites the Wildling/Independence force but fails to achieve it and has to ultimately fall on his sword. This would make the woman who has arguably succeeded this fight, Nicola Sturgeon, would be Jon Snow, because let’s be honest, Jon Snow is basically a woman anyway, and Sturgeon will succeed in making Scotland independent.

Plaid Cymru

Plaid Cymru are quite simply the Greyjoys, as they are a party which thinks they matter more than they actually do, and anyone outside their domain couldn’t care less about them. Likely to ally with the left forces (in the same way the Greyjoys have aligned themselves with the Targaryens at the end of series 6) if a coalition takes place.

BNP

The BNP/Britain First/EDL are all interchangeable as they are all the worst case scenario of what could happen in the Britain and if there was ever a threat of them getting to power winter would well and truly be coming. With this in mind, the best way to describe these vile people is by comparing them to the White Walkers, although the idea that Nick Griffin can turn the BNP into a level on Nazi Zombies isn’t the most pleasant idea.

Rupert Murdoch

The creepy overlooker of British Politics who always seems to back the winning side: Murdoch is of course Petyr Baelish, sitting in the background pulling the strings. On a serious note to end this, it is still scary that a newspaper as vile as The Sun has now backed the winner of every major referendum or election since 1979.